Commander Embraces Basic Decency, Bans Nickelback in Workplace


In a decree reminiscent of the “no shirt, no shoes, no service” rule of yesteryear, a US Army officer has issued an order poised to restore fundamental decorum to his Command Post. No taste in music, no job in this command post.

Fans of this so-called band are like the Yeti, or it’s North American cousin, the Sasquatch: no one has ever seen one in person, but we know they exist … and they are creepy and perhaps even dangerous. But if everyone cared as much as this Captain about ridding the world of this sonic scourge, we’d see the day when fewer people experienced bleeding from the ears.


The only thing wrong with this masterpiece is that it doesn’t go far enough. Inflicting Nickelback on co-workers should be considered workplace terrorism. It should be logged as an “active shooter” incident. It should give rise to civil actions for Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress … with automatic triple damages to mirror the number of chord structures employed by the group in the course of their many abusive and unnecessary quasi-musical releases.

If you’re in the Air Force, here’s everything you need to know about this guitar-wielding dumpster fire:

Former Secretary Debbie James thinks Nickelback is a great band. They sound just like Max Impact.

General Welsh thinks Nickelback is pretty darn good.

Chief Cody says Nickelback should have an honorary CCAF degree.

Finance listens to Nickelback during “training” sessions.

You can listen to Nickelback in the MPF waiting room for six hours when you need an ID card.

Generals make their enlisted servants play Nickelback for dinner guests.

Nickelback is authorized for public consumption at Al Udeid … although the sound of it makes the mold grow ten times faster.


This Captain should be on Trump’s national security staff. He’s got upper management written all over him.

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