I Don’t Even Know Where to Begin With This Green Dot Bullshit


idiot-gnome

We learned recently that Mad Dog Mattis will be our next Secretary of Defense. Thanks be to God for that. Our military services need a super-charged cattle prod to the ass. They’re totally lost.

Here we review Exhibit 69, wherein a cluster of idiots at Edwards Air Force Base have conspired to concoct a competitor for most imbecilic idea of the Human Age. An idea so immutable to reason that it verges on defying explanation.

Desperate to show commitment to Debbie James’s most recently sponsored cultural fad — a violence prevention program for professional executors of controlled violence — this bundle of taxpayer-funded deadwood penned a piece of attempted communication so stupefying it qualifies as a modern art masterpiece.

Read for yourself this extract from the Edwards electronic rag.

The Air Force Green Dot program and its message of interpersonal violence prevention has been center stage for the past several months at Edwards AFB.  Taking action by either directing, delegating or distracting when observing a situation that could escalate to interpersonal violence is a Green Dot.

From Dec. 5-9, The 412th Test Wing wants Team Edwards members to find Gunijoglas (Goonie Jog Las). He is a gnome from another planet that has observed Team Edwards and noticed Green Dot activity. Gunijoglas is curious but shy; he wants to meet people and find out about Green Dot activities.  Since he’s shy, people have to FIND him and clues to his location are being posted on the Edwards afb Green Dot Facebook page.

Once located he wants people to take a selfie with him and then write a phrase or slogan regarding interpersonal violence prevention and post the resulting meme to the Green Dot Facebook site. Those receiving the most “likes” will result in a first- and second-place winner, who will receive a $75 and $25 AAFES gift card, respectively. The cards are courtesy of the Edwards Enlisted Spouses Club.

A quick example, upon observing someone in a social situation resisting another’s advances, a Green Dot would be taking direct action by simply asking if they are okay or otherwise diffuse the situation. An example of a meme would be “DON’T LOOK THE OTHER WAY, ASK IF THEY ARE OKAY.” 

To get started, here’s the first clue: “I have landed in a place where earthlings are seeking knowledge. They appear to be using objects that they hold in their hands as well as using electronic devices to display information.  I also noticed that once they leave this building, they often take the information with them. I hope they bring it back so others may do the same.”

 What the fuck even is that? 

I sure as hell don’t know, but allow me to digress.

“center stage” … why? Shouldn’t the mission be center stage?

“observing a situation that could escalate to interpersonal violence” … you mean, like, every situation involving 2 or more people? Jesus, this is some wickedly dumb crap. A couple of guys squabbling over who gets to nuke Ramen in the microwave next qualifies under this tortured rubric. Should we post violence preventers in movie theaters in case there are disagreements over savesies?

“he wants people to take a selfie with him and then write a phrase or slogan regarding interpersonal violence prevention and post the resulting meme to the Green Dot Facebook site.”  Uhhhh, how about ‘no.’

Here’s a better offer: I’d like the airmen of Edwards to find this dumbass figurine and take a photo somehow clowning, trolling, or demeaning the little alien bastard. And then write a phrase or slogan glorifying the slaying of enemies. And then post the resulting meme to JQP Facebook. The three best entries between now and 19:47 on December 7th will receive a custom-designed “Who the f*ck is JQP” t-shirt to be subversively worn underneath a uniform.

Oh, and feel free to troll the other website too.

“upon observing someone in a social situation resisting another’s advances, a Green Dot would be taking direct action by simply asking if they are okay or otherwise diffuse the situation.”  … this is also known as common sense.

This whole thing is an insult to the intelligence of everyone involved, not to mention their maturity. Alien garden gnomes? Selfies and slogans?

I’ve got a better idea. Burn the gnome. Just burn it. Find it, kidnap it, take it out to the desert, and take a lighter to it. Applaud as it burns. Piss on the ashes. Bury the soiled ashes under a foot of fresh soil and then pour out a measure of Courvoisier while chanting “one for me, one for my homies.”

That’s the surest way to diffuse this situation. The Green Dot morons have been making advances, and it’s time for us to resist. Don’t ask if they’re OK. Just turn away.


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