Introducing the B/K/C/R/J/Q/F/A-69X: America’s Ultimate Combat Aircraft

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Today the USAF unveiled plans for its newest aircraft design, billed as “the greatest aircraft of all time” and tentatively called the B/K/C/R/J/Q/F/A-69X. Its unique design is the result joint effort of several major defense contractors, who together activated a department called “SKUNK/PHANTOM Works Hard Everyone’s a Winner.” In this latest push to simplify the Air Force budget by liberating it of trillions of dollars, the nation’s leading aircraft manufacturers have built and tested a new combat prototype, codenamed “Silver Surfer” as a result of collaboration with Comic Book legend Stan Lee, who was hired to oversee aircraft development.

An Air Force press release, which spokesman John Coctosten recommended be consumed with the sound of the Air Force song playing in the background, touted the new design as “flawless.”

“Mankind’s worst mistake in history was specialization. When we were all hunter/gatherers, you never had issues with pairing the people to the job they were supposed to do. As soon as people began acquiring skills, all of a sudden you had blacksmiths that only built tools, you had butchers that only cut meat, farmer’s that only grew crops, the list goes on and on. 

Worst yet, if you asked a baker to build a house, he’d respond by saying that it was the carpenter’s job do it. It would have been so much better if everyone could do everything, then it wouldn’t matter who you asked to do it.

It’s just like today’s aircraft. Right now we have tanker aircraft that can’t drop JDAMs, even though they constantly fly over the battlefield. What if the tanker carried those bombs themselves? Then the bombers wouldn’t need to show up in the first place. Basically we just combined every requirement the Air Force has into 1 airplane!

Unlike the F-35, this one is actually going be useful. It won’t get bogged down with design changes and unnecessary joint requirements, cause we kept it simple: we need it to do everything.

Gone are the days where we minimize losses with specialized masters of specific domains. Imagine if you could build a football team with 11 lineman/quarterback/wide receiver/running back/linebacker combinations. It would be unstoppable. Just imagine a 475 pound wide-tackle sweeping around for a reverse. He’d be fast, cause we built him to be the best of both. Unstoppable!”

According to Stan Lee, lead developer, some tradeoff’s had to happen in order to successfully develop this miracle of engineering. “We had to move the radar pew-pew thingy onto the top of the aircraft, because we didn’t have room for it while doing aerial refueling, air drop, and air-to-air targeting simultaneously,” he said. “Sure it made the aircraft unstable and will restrict it from having any real capability , but that’s ok, because they’re still mothballing proven aircraft in order to pay our Christmas bonuses. What a deal!” (A spokesman hastened to add that Lee’s statement was in no way a government or corporate endorsement of any particular holiday tradition).

Lee added that his team worked with a number of industry experts in multifunctional design, to include Swiss knife manufacturers, crossover SUV designers, and the guy who invented the idea peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.

“We wanted to leave no stone unturned, and since our budget was unlimited, we consulted with everyone, starting with the guy who designed the Pontiac Aztek. I mean, that thing was badass, right? Our vision is basically to build a vehicle Walter White would use to run over airborne meth dealers,” Lee quipped giddily.

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One new feature is that the bombs the new airplane carry are stored inside the gas tank, which engineers have assured is to prevent any unforeseen consequences when the plane is successfully targeted by enemy gunners. “Well if the bombs were on the outside, potential battle damage would set them off,” one engineer commented. “This way the bombs are kept safe with hundreds of thousands of gallons of jet fuel.”

“We were able to add the Attack prefix because after cancelling the A-10, we salvaged the guns and installed them on the nose below the radome. This caused a nose-heavy condition which we solved by removing the windshields from the cockpit and replacing them with cameras, which saved about 100 pounds. “

“This latest technology is only possible due to advances in fusion, stealth, and did I say fusion? Lots of fusion, Pew-Pew!” he continued. “We were able to create a ‘virtual’ window, where pilots stare at a 4K Samsung LCD screen that shows an image of whatever is on the other side of the screen. This way we could eliminate the heavy and unreliable glass that so many antique aircraft still utilize today.”

The glass blowers union did not immediately offer comment.

Speaking off-record, a senior official discussed inter-service collaboration on the project, which he termed a “no brainer. I mean … four buckets of taxpayer money are better than one, right?”

“We have included all of our joint partners in the development. Instead of the ability to be useful in combat, we added VTOL. The engine nacelles actually rotate and a center fan helps stabilize the airframe. It’s so loud it’ll alert enemies within a 5-mile radius and so hot it will melt anything within a 300yd radius, but the capability is [expletive] awesome. As long as personnel within the 300yd radius have their 50-lb protective suits on, they will be completely OK. It can also land on aircraft carriers, ice, water, and the moon.”

The new Silver Surfer will become operational over the next few months, and every airframe operating around the world will fly direct to retirement. “No reason to test anything on this premier airplane,” the official continued. “This will solve all of our problems, and it’s so obvious that we don’t need to waste precious funds on things like testing.”

If it’s not obvious by now, this is satire. JQP thanks the unnamed government officials who crafted and submitted it for publication.

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