North Korea Surrenders After Reading Air Force Commander’s Insightful Memo

In a surprise development, the Kim Jong Un regime has vowed to lay down arms, rendering “thousand-fold” apologies to the international community and promptly loading its nuclear arsenal onto a makeshift barge, dislodging scores of hapless would-be refugees.

The prompt and unexpected surrender of “number Un” was apparently triggered by the letter below, penned by an Air Force squadron commander:

The North Korean state clearly calculated that victory would be impossible against a force so disciplined that it conducts weekly meetings among adults to discuss responsible personal behavior. Kim Jong Un was reportedly awed by the strict totalitarianism of the policy, and realized that his regime was incapable of such efficient channeling of sheer “because I said so” authority.

Interviewed by state TV, Un commented, in remarks loosely translated, “badass pimp with walking tall sausage. His shadow is unafraid.” It’s not immediately clear what meaning Un intended, but it marked the first time in several years that not a single reporter was kidnapped or publicly shot following a state press conference.

Contacted for a response, the Air Force would not confirm the identity of the author of the memo, citing privacy, security, legal, and purely perfunctory restrictions. “The memo is currently under investigation as it violates AFI 1-1, 1-2, and because there were texts about it, Gen. Welsh’s ‘zero privacy’ doctrine,” said service spokesmodel Lieutenant Harry Bumscratch. Off the record, Bumscratch likened the commander who penned the memo to a contemporary Chuck Norris, and confirmed he’d previously broken up an illicit tooth-whitening ring in the Osan dorms using CCTV footage and by turning airmen as double agents.

“The dude is basically a taller George Washingon without sideburns,” remarked a former 51 LRS airman on the condition of anonymity.

More important than the surrender of North Korea, which merely spared tens of thousands of allied lives, is the fact that perhaps tens of airmen are several tenths of a percentage point more likely to avoid various social ills over the weekend — such as sex, cigarette smoke, and profanity — because of the powerful memo. Such globally consequential developments are only possible due to the rampant badassery of a prototype Air Force commander bent on the total suppression of risk and utter intolerance of human non-linearity.

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